Until Next Year

I have been quiet lately. Not that you've had time to read my posts with all of the holiday chaos that engulfs us. So you probably don't mind. I've been buried under an avalanche of challenges, but have come out the other side, feeling centered and even a tiny smidge excited about the holidays, which is very unusual for me!

I decided to take a break for the rest of 2010. My trauma anniversary came and went and things are good. I feel very present-moment-oriented. In the new year, if all goes as intended, I will continue this blog, but will post monthly instead of weekly. It was just way too much. Too many posts, too many weekly ideas to come up with, and too short of a time to focus on them. If there were any mantras or actions that you really liked this past year, please let me know and I'll work on building on them in the 2011. And I'll be making my donation to the Preeclampsia Foundation after this post. Maybe you'll also consider making a donation to support an organization committed to raising funding for research and awareness for a condition that kills one mother every seven minutes and kills half a million fetuses and newborns every year.

Looking back at my first post, I feel good about where I've ended up with my intentions.. 

I want to really live life. I want to feel and share the love that is all around me. I want to be in the present moment. I want to notice and appreciate the gratitude that fills my heart when I actually stop and notice everything that is good around and within me. These things are what I call living with positive intention. 

I am doing this now. Thank you for your love and support along this journey, and I can't wait to continue on in the new year!

Week 47 | Eat Mindfully | Take Longer to Chew Your Food

Well, since eating has been on my mind excessively for exactly 15 weeks now, and with Thanksgiving coming up this week, I figured it would be good to focus a weekly intention on eating. I have long been aware of the concept of "mindful eating," and I sometimes (inconsistently) do my own version of mindful eating, stopping to pay attention to the food that I'm putting in my mouth - thinking about where it came from, how it tastes, what the texture is.. But I only just now stopped to read information on the website for the Center for Mindful Eating. They say it way better than I would, so I will leave it at that. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! :)

Principles  |  Philosophy  |  Authors

The Center for Mindful Eating has created the Principles of Mindful Eating. These principles are intended to guide professionals who are interested in mindful eating. The Principles of Mindful Eating are free to reproduce and distribute for educational purposes.

The Principles are also available as a PDF to download and print. (The Principles of Mindful Eating - PDF 110kb)

Principles of Mindfulness:
• Mindfulness is deliberately paying attention, non-judgmentally.
• Mindfulness encompasses both internal processes and external environments.
• Mindfulness is being aware of what is present for you mentally, emotionally and physically in each moment.
• With practice, mindfulness cultivates the possibility of freeing yourself of reactive, habitual patterns of thinking, feeling and acting.
• Mindfulness promotes balance, choice, wisdom and acceptance of what is.

Mindful Eating is:
• Allowing yourself to become aware of the positive and nurturing
opportunities that are available through food preparation and consumption by respecting your own inner wisdom.
• Choosing to eat food that is both pleasing to you and nourishing to your body by using all your senses to explore, savor and taste.
• Acknowledging responses to food (likes, neutral or dislikes) without judgment.
• Learning to be aware of physical hunger and satiety cues to guide your decision to begin eating and to stop eating.

Someone Who Eats Mindfully:
• Acknowledges that there is no right or wrong way to eat but varying degrees of awareness surrounding the experience of food.
• Accepts that his/her eating experiences are unique.
• Is an individual who by choice, directs his/her awareness to all aspects of food and eating on a moment-by-moment basis.
• Is an individual who looks at the immediate choices and direct experiences associated with food and eating: not to the distant health outcome of that choice.
• Is aware of and reflects on the effects caused by unmindful eating.
• Experiences insight about how he/she can act to achieve specific health goals as he/she becomes more attuned to the direct experience of eating and feelings of health.
• Becomes aware of the interconnection of earth, living beings, and cultural practices and the impact of his/ her food choices has on those systems. 

Week 47 

Mantra | Eat Mindfully 

Action | Take Longer to Chew Your Food

Week 45 | It is Better to Light a Candle than Curse the Darkness

Short but sweet:

The clocks have fallen back. It's dark early. I've heard a lot of complaining, and have participated in some myself. Then I went to my 12 week OB appointment and my doctor was dressed in a beautiful green shalwar and was celebrating Diwali, the "Festival of Lights," which she described as a celebration of lighting up the dark. This takes me back to the wonderful Chinese proverb I have had under the heading of this blog since Week 1.

It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

And so it is.

Week 45

Mantra:

It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Action:

Light a candle every night this week and write one positive thought.

Week 44 | Dream On | Write Down Your Dreams When You Wake Up

 OK. This image is another throw-back to my adolescent decor. I borrowed Shel Silverstein's words from the opening of Where the Sidewalk Ends and hung them on my bedroom door.

I recently participated in a workshop about dreaming and it's got me thinking. As an art therapist, I have studied dream analysis and I use dream work in my sessions with clients. I LOVE and believe in this work! But, I have gone back and forth in my personal life with paying close attention to my own dreams, which I usually remember. The night before the workshop, lying in bed, I wondered if I would have especially vivid dreams, knowing I would be going to the workshop in the morning. Having that conscious thought was all it took, and I woke up having had a very complex and meaningful dream that I, of course, shared with the workshop group, gaining invaluable feedback that I continue to mull over during my quiet moments of self-discovery.

In the days before the sleep deprivation that comes from night nursings, and the groggy start to the day with a screaming toddler as an alarm clock, I actually used to jot my dreams down every morning. If you can, I suggest doing this. I miss the practice, and will attempt to write my dreams down every morning this week before getting Gavin out of bed. (He's been pretty content in the mornings lately to play with his "friends,"the 30 stuffed animals he sleeps with.)

Here's a shortcut to the dream process I learned at the recent workshop. (I'll give due credit, but just can't manage to get up and find the folder at this hour.)

1. Give your dream a title.
2. List the feelings that you had about the dream in your waking mind.
3. List any parts of the dream that mirror reality, or that could really happen.
4. List the questions that you have about the dream.
5. Share your dream with a friend and have them offer questions that they have about the dream.. "If it were my dream..."
6. After pondering the dream a little more, come up with a bumper sticker style message.

I'll try to post about one of my dreams this week so you can see how this works, in case this doesn't make sense.

Week 44
Mantra | Dream On
Action | Write Down Your Dreams When You Wake Up


ps - GO VOTE!!!!

Week 43 | Imagine Yourself Magic | Conjure Up Something You Want to Invite into Your Life

I first discovered this poster during my first visit to a campus bookstore. I was attending a basketball camp at Bradley University in 1990. It's so funny now, but walking into that bookstore was a mind-opening experience. Growing up in Peoria, Illinois, disconnected from the kind of artsy, magical, progressive kinds of things I've always been drawn to, I was psyched to discover that one could find such cool things on a university campus. And we had one of those in our town! Anyway, I hung this very poster with love in every single room I lived in from 8th grade through grad school. Over the years, I also followed the artist/author who made it, SARK, reading many of her books, and then actually got to meet her (with Mere!) in San Francisco 10 years after my discovery of her poster. I have the thing memorized and I find myself over and over thinking of lines from this poster. One that I often find myself mentalizing is "Imagine Yourself Magic." 

And then I was jogging at Palmer Square the other day and I literally ran across this written in the golden leaves of this beautiful season:

I love it when things like that happen. I feel as though the universe just opens up and sends me messages straight from the cosmos. "Yes, universe," I say, "I have not been imagining myself magic enough lately. Thank you."

Week 43
Mantra | Imagine Yourself Magic

Action | Conjure Up Something You Want to Invite into Your Life

You can call SARK's "inspiration line" to listen to an uplifting message, if you'd like:

415 546 3742

(Don't worry. It's just a regular voice mail.)

Here are some of my favorite bits from her current message:

Little by little, you will turn into stars.

Question to ask yourself: Am I resisting this? Or allowing this?

There are more things to learn about than feeling good. So many good things grow in the dark.

"If you don't become the ocean, you'll be seasick every day." -Leonard Cohen

Week 41 | Practice Silence | Make an Effort to Stop Talking and Just Listen

Sorry I missed a week. I've been in a blog rut. 

As a therapist, I learned in school about the magic of silence. I can remember how hard it was when I was green to sit and listen and refrain from responding immediately, the way we do in conversation. Over time, I have gotten better and more comfortable with sitting in silence with someone. It is sometimes magical when you are comfortable in your silence, and you can allow someone the space to say what they really need to express. In sessions, I often talk myself through the silence in my mind, saying "wait.. just take a deep breath and wait.." and I've stretched my silent comfort zone a bit farther, only to hear my client start sharing a little more.

I have been sort of practicing more silence in non-therapy conversations lately, but I'd like to be extra mindful of it this week as we head to Arizona for my sister's wedding, which will provide many opportunities for conversation.

Week 41

Mantra: Practice Silence

Action: Make an Effort to Stop Talking and Just Listen

Week 39 | See the Soul | Imagine People as Their Newborn Selves

Okay, okay. So I know I have babies on my mind right now, which is probably why I thought of this week's action. I still struggle with the judgmental part of my shadow that sees the outer shell, or politics, or behaviors of people before seeing their soul, and I don't like that. For me, part of being more mindful is seeing and then connecting with the soul in everyone.

I had to take public trans to work the other day and made this little exercise up while riding on the bus. When I noticed myself making assumptions about a stranger, I forced myself to imagine that person as a newborn. Yes, that also involved some judgment in picturing them, their entry into the world, the reception from their parent(s) as I envisioned it in my imagination. But it was a really effective tool in helping me move away from my judgments. In many cases, it brought tears to my eyes.. the simplicity of the conjured image bringing me directly in touch with these souls on the bus.

I like it. I'm going to try to remember to practice it every day this week. 

Week 39

Mantra | See the Soul

Action | Imagine People as Their Newborn Selves

ps - In an effort to keep this blog from becoming "A Pregnancy of Positive Intention" I am writing a totally separate blog for myself... that is public ... in case anyone wants to follow along my pregnancy. It's http://hopefulafterhellp.blogspot.com/ 

pps - My husband just called me a multi-blogger. Hilarious!

Week 38 | Love Better | Actually ask what you can do to love better

I haven't blogged for the past two weeks. I have gone deep within myself and posting felt too public for what I was experiencing.

Two weeks ago we received ecstatically joyous news, followed quickly by devastating news.

I am pregnant! I am 6 weeks along, due in mid-May, and very excited!

Just as we were settling into our joy and astonishment at having actually conceived the moment we decided to go for it, we got the heart-wrenching news that Brian's best friend in the world has cancer. He is okay. But the news shocked us, and triggered some deep fears.

For the past two weeks I have been acutely aware of the connection between life and death. It was in my last pregnancy, at the end, when I developed HELLP Syndrome, that I was the closest I've ever been to the connection between the two. And now I am there again, in part because of the life growing inside of me, in part because of the death that I averted last time, and in part because of our friend's cancer diagnosis. He's not going to die, already had surgery, and will start chemo and/or radiation very soon. He's going to be fine.

But all of this life and death stuff leads me to think about love, which, to me, is the only thing that really matters. Just as I was thinking about love, how I love, the people I love.. I read an article in Whole Living in which the author asked her family to tell her how she can love them better. I decided to do the same thing to mixed results. First of all, it's kind of an awkward question. And secondly, I'm pretty close with my family and they all sort of responded like I was being ridiculous. In any case, I pledge to do everything from shipping off 4 bottles of lemon ginger echinacea juice to our friends' house in the mountains to "cherishing family harmony," whatever that means. ;)

Week 38 

Mantra | Love Better 

Action | Actually ask what you can do to love better

A Note about Synchronicity

I was thinking back to the post from week 13 and wanted to tell you a little story about the pink t-shirt that arrived synchronistically in the mail.

It was 6 years ago. I was rounding the corner on a long year out of losing Poppy (my grandpa), moving back to the midwest from San Francisco, ending a difficult relationship, living on my own in Chicago, and working full-time at a really crappy job while working the rest of the time at the art center that my best friend and I had opened. Life felt hard. Really hard. I'd been through some things that strained my ability to feel my usual optimism. 

And then I took a trip with one of my best friends to visit another of my best friends in Amsterdam. Something about being with really good friends, riding bikes through those beautiful brick streets, over canals lit by the moon, and amongst lots and lots of other bikes... oh, and there was that exciting Dutch romance.. anyway, the whole experience was an awakening. The kind of awakening that was really a journey back to myself, and my usual state of optimism and synchronistic living. 

Within two months of taking that trip, returning to Chicago to find it gray, stale, frigid and unforgiving, I made up my mind that I needed a huge change. I knew something big was around the corner. I just didn't know what it was yet. So I decided to make the change myself, instead of waiting for synchronicity to do its thing. I made plans to move to Amsterdam to live with my best friend, an idea that was born, of course, out of the great awakening that had taken place there.

And wouldn't you know it? As soon as I had made a definitive plan, and emotionally detached from the gloom that I knew in Chicago, I walked into a drumming bar on a Friday night, and straight into the next chapter of my life, the synchronistic moment that was around the corner.

There was Brian. Living in a similar state of gloom, hoping for his own awakening, his own next chapter. We went out exactly 4 nights later and fell in love in a booth at a restaurant. Just like that.

Six weeks later he took me to "the lake" in Wisconsin to enjoy the holiday weekend and to meet his parents and his entire family of choice, people he had grown up with and loved his whole life. Second moms, second dads, best friends in the universe, more brothers and sisters than I could keep track of. What an incredible bunch!


As nervous as I was to meet all these people at once, I felt the love immediately. I will especially never forget standing in a warm cottage kitchen, watching the love of my life hold his best friend's infant son for the first time. This kitchen, in varying states of loving re-construction since I've known it, and where many a meeting of the babies, and many a long talk about life has taken place ever since, and countless times in the years before me, happens to be the kitchen of Brian's second mom, Judy. 


Judy just so happens to have welcomed me with loving arms, birthday cakes, book recommendations, borrowed cars in the mountains, and many other things, into their greater family. And Judy just so happens to have anonymously sent me a very cute pink shirt back in February that said "Keep calm and carry on," that just so happened to inspire me to blog about synchronicity...

So THAT, my friends, is synchronicity. And it's synchronicity at its best. 

Happy Birthday, Judy!!!!!! Much love!

Week 34 | Tap Into Your Right Brain | Draw with Your Left Hand

Getting harder and harder to keep up with weekly posts.

My right brained-ness is screaming for attention lately. Spending way too much time in a left-brained state of mind.

So..

Week 34

Mantra: Tap Into Your Right Brain

Action: Draw with Your Left Hand

ps - Send me your drawings and I'll post them! (Anonymously if you insist...)

pps - This is loosely related to this week's post, but I LOVE art journaling, and I have been enjoying a blog about the "Ten Coolest Art Therapy Interventions" and really especially liked this post - which got me thinking about the left-handed drawing idea 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-healing-arts/201006/cool-art-therapy-intervention-4-visual-journaling

ppps - If you are left handed, I <3 you, and you should keep drawing with your left hand.

Week 32 | Mantra: Morning Glory | Action: Wake up and Move Toward Joy

Well, I guess walking at a slower pace led to posting at a slower pace this week. Ha! 

It was really nice to slow down and I think last week's action is something I will carry with me when I can be conscious of it. Slowing my pace generalized to driving and other things too, which was really nice. (And safe!)

As much as I try to be conscious of my disposition, I find myself really struggling in the morning more than any other part of the day to be present and positive. I just simply am not a morning person, but having a child who wakes up earlier than I've ever set my alarm has really challenged me. This week has been worse because Bri and I have been up even later as we grapple with our decision about a real estate investment, which then just leads to all sorts of open-ended conversations about our future. It's fun and exhausting at the same time. And I'm definitely waking up crabbier. So, for what's left of the week, and moving into next week, I'd like to focus on being more present and positive in the morning. 

Some day I will be able to sleep past 7am again...

Week 32

Mantra: Morning Glory

Action: Wake up and move toward joy

(by the way, I mean glory as in "a state of absolute happiness, gratification, contentment,etc")

Week 31 | Just Slow Down | Walk at a Slower Pace

I am grateful to live in a place where I walk every day. I love walking. But I often find myself walking quickly, pressured by my mind-clock, which is usually running 10 minutes behind. I remember my first year in grad school when I was assisting an art history professor as part of my work-study program. I hurried through the academic halls balancing a slide carousel atop a heavy stack of books and binders. I almost tripped over the threshold into his office, catching myself just in time to look up and catch his irritated gaze.

"You are always so frantic. Just slow down."

It was kind of mean, the way he said it. But it has always stuck with me. When I notice myself hurrying about, I replay his words, take a deep breath and do as he suggested, slowing myself down. 

This week, I want to put my intention into slowing down my walking pace. This will surely lead to all sorts of slowing down - my breath, my thoughts, my overachiever pace of life. 

Not that I've read the whole thing just yet, but here is an essay written by Thoreau about walking slowly, sauntering. 

Thank you, Dr. Iorio for this week's mantra. 

Week 31 

Mantra | Just Slow Down

Action | Walk at a slower pace

Week 30 | Smile on the Inside | Practice the Taoist "Inner Smile" Technique

Ok, Ok, so the apology letters from last week aren't in the mail box yet, but they will be by tomorrow morning. $5 (half) donation to the Preeclampsia Foundation for half completing my weekly intention.

This week, I'd like to introduce you to the "Inner Smile," a Taoist practice of mindfulness and inner healing. Read more about it and how to do it here:

http://taoism.about.com/od/meditation/ht/inner_smile.htm

After what my organs went through with HELLP Syndrome, I am very curious to discover the impact of this practice. I still feel like my liver, heart and uterus need so much healing energy, as well as the whole of me and all of my parts. ;)

This week's post is short and sweet.. we've had more visitors and our summer energy is very much outward, so sitting at the computer is happening less and less often!! Thanks for being out there!

Week 30 

Mantra | Smile on the Inside

Action | Practice the Taoist "Inner Smile" Technique

Week 29 | Mantra: Accept Fault | Action: Write an Apology Letter

Last week was definitely "breath week." When I went to my acupuncturist she even picked up on that before I told her about my weekly goal. I happen to have a lot of "heat" in me. (Part of it is seriously from being a redhead, mom!) She taught me to let my breath out in a "ha" sound in order to get the heat out of me. I've been doing a lot of that kind of exhale this week, which has been funny to anyone around me. (Btw, Jamie, she also recommended Rescue Remedy, and suggested that I empty the dropper before every use, and set an intention before taking it.) I've also found myself doing more breath work than normal with my clients. Maybe all this breath work will stick and I'll start breathing better on a daily basis. I'm going to keep my alarms on my phone set for 4x/day.

In unrelated news, Brian and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary this weekend. He got us the coolest present! It's a Sonos, which is a genius music system. It's so perfect for us, two people who LOVE music, but who love totally opposite music. I've always let things default to his musical control because we do agree on lots of things like our shared love of bluegrass. But I miss my chick rock and old hippie stuff that drives him nuts. Now we can just click a button on our laptop or his Iphone and switch the music. We've had music playing non-stop ever since he got it hooked up. This thing is awesome! I feel so much happier and more connected in this temporary space.

On to this week's theme... Children have a way of teaching you how to be a better person. That happens all the time with Gavin. Like tonight. We had a big struggle after his bath when we expected him to brush his teeth. It's a non-negotiable for us, so we pushed hard to get the job done. Being that he is in the age of autonomy, he was really mad at our forcefulness about the situation. A few minutes later, he and I were sitting on the floor in his room drawing a "good night picture" on his easel, and out of nowhere, he stopped drawing, looked at me and said, "Mommy, I sorry I fighted you." It was his first true apology. He's two and a half. What a wonderful human being.

And what an inspiration.

As an aside, here's a really creative way to apologize for something that you can't do directly. Thanks to Bri for finding this neat site.

Week 29
Mantra | Accept Fault
Action | Write an Apology Letter (Really mean it.)

Week 28 | Connect to Your Breath | Stop & Breathe 4x/day

The house is quiet. It's never quiet like this. I had the luxury of going to the gym this afternoon and Brian and Gavin both took late naps and are still asleep! The "shoulds" are running through my mind like a scrolling sign, but I really don't want to clean or fold laundry or work on business stuff. You'd think I'd be well-rested after my action plan for last week, but I had a really hard time actually going to sleep that early. I tossed and turned every night this week. :( Which makes me think I need to take my own advice, the advice I give all of my clients, and do some daily breathing exercises to relax.

...
And then Gavin woke up. Where was I? Oh yah. Breathing exercises.

Here's a simple one that I like a lot. Place one hand on your chest and the other hand on your belly. Close your eyes and just breathe for a minute. Notice which hand is moving more. If the hand on your chest is moving more, you are chest-breathing, which is not a full breath. It suggests anxiety and/or stress. If the hand on your belly is moving more, you are taking full belly breaths, meaning that you are more relaxed. This is a nice check-in, or you can do it for longer than a minute and meditate.

I attended a mindfulness training last fall where I learned that you can actually change your brain through meditation. A study at UCLA (I think) showed that the minimum threshold for changing your brain, also known as neuroplasticity, is a series of 4 minutes of meditation 4 times a day. I was very motivated after this workshop and I ended up setting the alarms on my cell phone to go off 4x/day so that I would actually practice four 4 minute meditation sessions. Then life threw us a huge curve ball in December and I had to turn off the alarms. I haven't gotten back to it... until now. There. Alarms set.

Week 28
Mantra | Connect to Your Breath
Action | Stop & Breathe 4x/day for 4 minutes

Week 27 | Mantra: Sleep Heals | Action: Set a bedtime this week and stick to it

OK. Here's one that I overlook all the time. It's something that I always mean to do, and something that is imperative to my well-being, yet something I hadn't yet considered for the blog. Well, now is certainly the right time, given that I've barely slept since Friday and I can't think of another topic anyway. It's SLEEP. I'm going to set a bedtime for myself this week. A work-put-away, laptop-off, phone-off, lights-off bedtime. 11:11, my magic time. (This one will be tough tomorrow night when my last client ends at 10:30?!! But I am making a commitment.)

Tonight, I will be in bed by 10:10. This will be a record for earliness. (Is that a word?)

Sleep, sweet sleep.

Week 27
Mantra: Sleep Heals
Action: Set a Bedtime this Week and Stick to It

Week 26 | Transform | Use a Fire Ritual to Transform Something You Want to Change

Is this the halfway point of the year of positive intention? 26 weeks!! Thanks for coming along on this journey. Let me know how you're doing and what you're up to with a comment!

I blew it last week and never made time to post. Brian's mom came in from Oklahoma City and we were exceptionally busy transforming a messy extra floor of our temporary rental into a guest suite for her.

.....

Happy belated summer solstice! What did you do to celebrate? I gathered with the women from my therapist collective and we had a wonderful sage cleansing followed by a small fire ritual. It has been way too long since I celebrated the solstice with an actual ritual and it was soo nice! It reminds me to invite ritual into my life more often. I've left behind the part of myself that was so engrossed in women's spirituality, my inner pagan. I'm reclaiming her**!

I'm still feeling a strong sense of the summer solstice and the changing of seasons, so I want to focus on the energy of the solstice in this week's mantra and action - transformation. Fire is the element of the summer, and fire represents transformation. It's a time to look at what brings you fulfillment in life and how it can transform you to be a better person.

For a simple fire ritual, you can sit outside in the dark and light a candle. Think about some things that you want to transform and visualize sending them into the flame. {transform: to change in condition, nature, or character; convert.} Be with nature. Enjoy the moment. Absorb the abundance that is around you.

I'm looking forward to being in nature next weekend in Wisconsin. (See you there, Jamie! Can we do a fire ritual together?)

**Major aha moment here that I'll share.
I am seeing an acupuncturist who specializes in psychological concerns. She is amazing and I have had two really intense sessions with her. My first session included a terrifying and jarring vision that rocked me, but that also helped me start to reintegrate the parts of myself that my trauma severed. I expected my second session, which happened to be on the solstice, to be equally intense, and was a bit disappointed and surprised to only have a calming, centering experience on the table. But when I was done and I sat with Barb to talk about the session, she told me about a shamanic vision she'd had while I was on the table. It turns out she'd taken the intensity on herself to make it safe for me. In her vision, she and I were standing together and watching a "crazed, wild, primal version" of myself in the wilderness. This self-part was clutching an umbilical cord, dragging the baby that was on the end of it in a slight disturbing, but very protective and primal way. Barb was alarmed, but I let her know that everything was okay, that this was what was supposed to happen. We coaxed this wild part of me to sit in a tree and calm down. She then transformed into a serpent and slithered over to me, wrapped many times around my body, and then entered my body through my skin near where my liver is. (My liver that was in distress when I had HELLP, mind you.) I'm still making sense of the whole vision and the message within it, but I'm pretty sure that my inner pagan is closely related to this crazed, wild, primal version of myself, and I felt it that night when we were doing our fire ritual, but only just now clearly see this connection.

What do you make of the symbolism in this vision?

The day before my appointment Gavin had noticed an image of a snake eating its tail. I explained the symbol and we talked about it. It's the first time I'd thought of a snake in a long time. Tonight at bedtime he told me that we both have a snake that lives outside. His is yellow and mine is blue. Just coincidental? He's a very spiritual little being.

(Let me know if you want Barb's number!)

Week 26
Mantra | Transform
Action | Use a Fire Ritual to Transform Something You Want to Change

Week 24 Animation

Look at this fascinating animation about time and our orientation to it. Brian found it today, not having any idea what my post was this week, and I thought it was very appropriate to share with you all.

Week 24 | Love Where You Are | Document Your Day-to-Day Moments of Bliss

Summer is just about here. My favorite season! And we've had the warmest spring in Chicago's recorded history. I love, love, love this weather! If there's any time when I should be in love with being here, it is now. But, you see, I get struck with bouts of restlessness that strike me when I'm least expecting it. And I can't really blame it on Chicago, because I experienced this while living in San Francisco, one of the world's most beautiful and amazing cities.

Brian and I are searching for a new home right now, a process that usually triggers my longing to be elsewhere. This restlessness forms an emotionally toxic combo when paired with my basic temperament, which involves spontaneity, zig-zagging, living from moment-to-moment and feeling my way through life. It's hard for me to commit to most things for longer than about a day. (My Virgo sister is laughing out loud reading this, and my Virgo husband is probably rolling his eyes. Lovingly.)

Anyway, I am struggling hard right now with my restless sense and yearning for vague something elses. I do think that part of my healing from my traumatic HELLP experience, as well as my continued adjustment to the rigidity involved with raising a young child, requires that I just sit still and look for the happiness that is all around me, instead of focusing on the something elses. The happiness that is all around me goes with me wherever I go, and I know that. So this week's focus is on the happy day-to-days that exist wherever I am in time and space, like Gavin just walking up to me to show me the squirrel sticker on his toe. This week I'm going to take photos of things otherwise ignored that happen every day. If I get around to it, I'll post some here.

Thanks for reading!

Week 24
Mantra | Love Where You Are
Action | Document Your Day-to-Day Moments of Bliss

Week 23 | Make Someone Happy | Do one thing a day to make another person feel happy

Thanks to Bree for this week's inspiration. "Make someone happy." For those who don't know, Bree is my childhood best friend. You may have read about her in the post from Week 21. We met in 4th grade when we started a new school together. It means the world to me that we've stayed in touch over the years, in spite of different high schools, universities, cities, lives... She was just here in Illinois two weeks ago and made the incredible effort of taking the train into the city, not once, but twice to see us and meet Gavin for the first time. Bree and I played sports both together and against each other :( so it was really special that Gavin's first time "playing baseball" was with her. You can watch the video here. She sent an email today that included all kinds of daily actions for conscious living, which is where I got this idea for this week. Plus, she always makes me happy. :)

Week 23
Mantra | Make Someone Happy.
Action | Do one thing a day just to make another person feel happy.

(And sorry for skipping a week last week. I wrote a check for $40 to the over the weekend to make up for the weeks I've skipped or haven't completed my action.)

Week 21 | Be Grateful | Notice and write down one thing every day that you're grateful for

Week 20 was good. Did you do one thing you've been meaning to? Brian got me a journal and Sharpies for Christmas and I had only drawn in it once! I got that out the other night and it was so great to lose myself in drawing, something that I need and just don't do. Ever. I also did some charitable giving that I've been meaning to do. Felt good.

This past Sunday was the Promise Walk to raise money and awareness for the Preeclampsia Foundation. After the battle to get a two year old dressed and agreeably in the car seat and a drive to Hyde Park, we were 45 minutes late for the walk. We were also juggling a simultaneous visit with my childhood best friend, Bree, who was in town from Oakland. I hadn't seen her since I was 37 weeks pregnant, about the same time I was starting to get sick. It was a wonderful thing to hug her, and to watch her playing with my son, and to be able to look around and see the smiling faces of all of the children who survived preeclampsia. But there wasn't much time to be alone with my feelings. It was easy to do what I so often have to do - block out the memory of what happened to us in order to just keep living. At one point, I was walking along the path on my own, and I finally let myself just be. And I looked around at all of the women and families and children. I made eye contact with some of the women whose stories I know. I let myself feel the sadness and the fear and the anger that goes along with what we've all experienced. I cried under my sunglasses for a little while, then put on a smile and helped my son climb a tree. Life moves on.

But I've been thinking about gratitude a lot. I do feel grateful a lot of the time, but I would like to be more conscious about it. So this will be a week for gratitude.

Week 21
Mantra | Be Grateful
Action | Notice and write down one thing every day that you're grateful for

Week 20 | It's Never Too Late | Do One Thing You've Been Meaning To Do

I have really been trying to post every week by Monday night. Here it is Wednesday night, almost Thursday morning. So .. let's see. What makes sense?

Week 20
Mantra | It's Never Too Late
Action | Do One Thing You've Been Meaning to Do

Week 19 | Let Your Radiance Shine | Practice Random Acts of Sunshine

This post is a little belated. Sorry!

Boy, last week's action was a challenge! I was not able to go one day without a complaint. I will keep working on it. Instead of the purple bracelet that Will Bowen recommends, I'm using a ring that I switch between fingers every time I complain. It's a great tool! I actually went one day with only two complaints. I'll let you know if I make it one whole complaint-free day! Did anyone else try it?

Part of why I am late in my posting this week is because I haven't been inspired with a mantra like I usually am. Until this morning. Lately, it's been very gray and cloudy in Chicago. I tend to be very affected by the weather, especially gray skies. When I was drinking my tea this morning I noticed that the paper attached to the tea bag string had a message. It said, "Let people bask in your radiance and sunshine." It instantly made the gray skies seem less drab. It also reminded me of the many talks my mom had with me as a kid about stopping my negative energy and letting my radiance shine. So, here we go!

Week 19
Mantra | Let Your Radiance Shine
Action | Practice random acts of sunshine

Week 18 | Stop Complaining | Offer Solutions Instead of Grievances

OK. I took more than one thing off my list last week and it felt great! That was a good one.

Last Thursday night, Bri and I got a sitter and went on a date! We went to Flourish Studios (where I started my practice) and saw Will Bowen speak about his Complaint Free World Movement. First of all, let me say that I am grateful for having a husband willing to spend date night at such an event! We left feeling inspired to be more positive and to try the challenge to stop complaining.

It is really hard. (By the way, statements of fact are not complaints.)

Week 18
Mantra | Stop Complaining
Action | Offer Solutions Instead of Grievances

Week 17 | Go Easy | Take One Thing Off Your List

Is it just me? Or is everything busier and crazier than usual? There's that end-of-the-school-year feeling for one thing, a combination of burnout and spring fever. I'm pretty sure there's a full moon. Anyway, it feels like a good time to go easy.

Week 17
Mantra | Go Easy
Action (or Non-action) | Take One Thing Off Your To-Do List This Week

The Silver Lining

Here are some notes from my silver lining journal this week...

• We have a village. With Brian gone for the past 2 weeks, our amazing support system kicked in and we had so many offers for dinner and playdates and sitting, way more offers than we could accept! Thanks, village!! Thanks especially to the Green Bean, Bama, the Carrolls, the Hilt-Diehls, and the Blounts!
  
• Unexpected time to slow down is a gift. I had a client who forgot her session on Wed., allowing me an hour to check email and eat dinner between sessions! I usually have 7 straight clients from 2:30 on, and it's nice to have an unexpected break to put my feet up and enjoy my office space and some food.
  
• Grandparents are grand. Gavin got to see Bama (my mom) who came up on the bus and stayed for 2 nights. They have such a special relationship and don't get to spend enough time with each other. It's kinda nice when not-so-easy circumstances force an unexpected visit.
• Asking for help is life-affirming. Yes, I tend to take on way too much, and to do it alone. I have developed a really strong sense of having to do things myself if I want anything to get done. But times like the past two weeks push me to reach out for help when I normally wouldn't. It reminds me that asking for help invites positive energy into your life, and opens you up to all kinds of wonderful experiences and connections. Asking for help reminds you of the spirit of life and the oneness we share with all people and things!
  
• Bonding time with my son. Gavin and I felt really close to each other and bonded in a new way like a little team of 2. It was really something. I love that small fry.
  
• I am in love with my husband. Having a renewed feeling of "love at first sight" when Bri finally got home 14 days after he left. I opened the door and we both smiled from ear-to-ear like the lovestruck dreamers we were when we met. (Btw, how do refugees, immigrants, international volunteers, military people, etc. handle long distance marriage?)
• Wood is worth the wait. Brian found the engagement ring in London that I've been dreaming of for nearly 6 years! It's a simple wooden band ring. We looked all over and people thought we were nuts when we'd ask at street fairs and in jewelry shops! Then we finally found some but they were ridiculously expensive. Well, at the Camden Markets he discovered wooden bands and got me the most beautiful one that even fits my ring finger perfectly! I love it! I feel so grounded when I have wood against my skin.
• Making Peace with Sadness. I watched an episode of Parenthood online and there was a birth scene. You know the one. Where the fully-gowned mother is lying on her back with a strained and sweaty face and out pops a clean baby who immediately cries and then gets handed to the mother, who bonds instantaneously, adoring her baby who is surely about to nurse perfectly and will soon be whisked home for happily ever after. Well, after I had the birth experience that I had, I used to cry every time I saw any kind of birth moment, as ridiculously unrealistic as it might be, the very second that the baby is handed to the mother. It was more pain than I could take thinking about how Gavin did not have anything like that, but rather a quite traumatic and motherless experience. After a while, I think I started numbing my emotions about it, pretending I was getting over it, and that time was in fact healing some of that pain. I don't know how long it's been since I've watched a birth scene, or what my reaction was most recently, but it's been a really long time since I've felt the raw emotions of that pain in not giving my son that kind of start to his life. When I saw this show, with its 20 second birth scene, I cried so hard. It was good. It was sad. It was real. It's been a while since I let myself have those really deeply sad feelings about Gavin's first hours. And as I cried, I was able to make peace with the wisdom that sadness just is. And it can just be. And I don't have to change it or ignore it. And some things will be sad forever, and that's okay.
  

Keeping a Sense of Humor

One of Brian's best funnies - Eyjafjallajokull is an ASH-hole.

Week 16 | Find the Silver Lining | Keep a journal of finding hope amid difficulty

I am veering off-track from my original plan for this week. You see, Brian left for London for work early on the morning of the 10th. He is stuck there indefinitely because of the volcanic ash situation. Talk about an exercise in patience. The first blow when he called to say he couldn't leave last Thursday wasn't so bad. I thought about "keeping calm and carrying on" and just dealt with it a day at a time. But then the next call came letting me know that he might leave Monday. That's today. Didn't happen. He's booked on a flight for FRIDAY. But, guess what? I just saw on the news that the volcano is getting worse and I fear that he won't make it out this week.

It's going on 11 days apart and I can't stand it. The longest we've ever been apart since meeting 6 years ago was for about 11 days when his band went on tour a week and a half after we met. I couldn't stand it then either.

Brian's patience and sense of humor have been admirable. He's helping us stay calm and get through. He's the one who's stuck living in a hotel in a city he doesn't know with 4 days worth of clothes. We keep looking for the silver lining in all of this. Nothing profound to write just yet, but maybe it will come. So that's the theme this week.. silver linings.

If every cloud has a silver lining......


Wow.

Week 16
Mantra | Find the Silver Lining
Action | Keep a journal all week of finding hope amid difficulty

ps - Thanks for coming up tomorrow, Mom!!!

Walk with Me!

If you're around Chicago, and you're interested in supporting the cause of raising awareness and money for preeclampsia, please join me and my family and friends in the Promise Walk by the lakefront on the morning of Sunday, May 23. If you sign up, our team is "+ Intention" and you can go directly to my page here. If the walk isn't your thing, no big deal! I also don't want anyone to feel pressured about giving money to this cause. But if you are someone whose charitable giving includes helping babies and women, then the cause of preeclampsia awareness and research is aligned well with your interests. "Globally, preeclampsia and other hypertensive disorders of pregnancy are a leading cause of maternal and infant illness and death. By conservative estimates, these disorders are responsible for 76,000 maternal and 500,000 infant deaths each year."-Preeclampsia Foundation

Time (The Revelator)

Just thinkin' about a song that I love. The first time I heard it Brian and I were at a bluegrass festival at Stern Grove in the Sunset District in San Francisco. It was a few years since I'd moved from SF to Chicago, and being at Stern Grove surrounded by the eucalyptus trees made me feel like myself. And there I was with the newfound love of my life in this magical place hearing this magical song for the first time. I love it. And I think it's fitting for this blog and what I'm trying to express and process here. Here ya go - Gillian Welch singing "Time (the Revelator)."

Week 15 | Forgive | Choose 1 Long-held Grievance to Work on

Hello out there! How have you been?

My husband left Saturday morning for London for a week for work. Instead of pitying my single parent experience and stressing over childcare for my evening job while he's gone, I thought I'd put some energy into my mindfulness work. I guess that was one over-arching thing that I did to work through negativity and resistance. I realize the actions that I choose for this blog are sometimes too vague for people who like structure and direction, so I'll try now to list some of the specific actions I took for last week:

• When I felt myself having a negative thought, such as "Brian gets to go enjoy London while I'm stuck here with no break from work/parenting and no support." I would try to counter the thought with an immediate positive thought, such as "I am so lucky that he's willing to take on the primary childcare every single Tuesday and Wednesday night, often leaving work in the middle of a project in order to get to daycare by 6. He does this for me, allowing me to have a carefree mind as I go into super long work days at my practice. Not to mention a 2 night break from the whole bath time- bedtime challenge.
• I went to church on Sunday. Yes, I said it. I haven't gone to church for my own spiritual practice .. well, ever. Both my aunt and a friend told me about a progressive, liberal offshoot of the Unitarian Universalist religion, called Micah's Porch in Wicker Park. This was a really neat and sort of extreme practice for me to try for last week's mantra/action. I have some really strong negative thoughts about religion and I've struggled for many years to integrate my deep, inherent spirituality and longing for a spiritual community with the philosophical and cultural friction I have always felt with religion. So just going was a huge process of working through lots and lots of long-held negativity and resistance. This was just another moment in life in which I learned a great life lesson from my son. My child, who has difficulty with transitions, new things, being told what to do and when, and being separated from me without a great deal of prep work, was able to sit with me for two songs (played by the in-house band) and then when all of the kids got up to go to "Kids Church" one of the adults just said "Let's choo-choo" and he joined right in the train and walked out of the room, completely trusting the situation and opening himself up to the experience. What a kid.
• A general practice I try to use, and something that I help my clients learn to do, is to notice a negative thought and then examine it, looking at the feelings that the thought precedes and the evidence for the reality of the thought. (Let me know if you want me to email you a thought record. They're fantastic.) Looking for evidence is huge. Usually, when you have a negative thought, there is really no actual evidence that the thought is a true thing, other than just being a thought in your head. It really works like magic.
  

After this past week, I've noticed that I am still holding onto some negative thoughts that I really need to let go of more so than I had been willing to admit to myself. Some are things that I have tried and tried to release. Others are things I am only now becoming fully aware of. A huge stumbling block to really being present / aware / positive is holding onto grievances. I'm not talking about grudges. It's a little different. Holding onto grievances is more like holding onto your own negative thought about something. Maybe something that didn't go your way, something that was out of your control or something that brought up a lot of negative emotions in you.

I may stick with this mantra for a while and use some of the actions listed here:
http://www.wikihow.com/Forgive

Please share your thoughts and even the grievances you choose to work on in the comment section. I haven't picked mine yet. But I will.

Week 15
Mantra | Forgive
Action | Choose 1 Long-held Grievance to Work on

Week 14 | Open Yourself to the Universe | Work through Resistance & Negativity

Last week was really tough, and I owe the Preeclampsia Foundation another $10.

"Trust the universe" was certainly a meaningful mantra for the week as we endured a disheartening consultation with a new OB, some serious stress with Bri's job, and then a really awful stomach flu that tore through the whole family by the end of the week, leaving Bri and I to literally tag team between parenting the bathroom. It was the kind of week that tests every bit of patience and faith that you have. By Friday morning, just a couple hours before I realized I had caught the nasty bug that G brought home, we had such a frustrating, nearly impossible transition to daycare and I was super late to work, and I just lost it and yelled at him. Sick, stressed, spontaneous, headstrong mom + spirited, slow-to-adapt, intense, headstrong child = FAIL. Keep calm and carry on... I was able to do that a LOT this week in some really testing times, but I just lost it that morning and did not keep calm.

This commercial actually popped into my head on Friday morning.. Remember this?


Where does that leave me for this week? Still feeling pretty yUcK. Still needing to tap into some real strength and faith. Still lots of dangling issues from last week.

Many of you know that I really like the book, A New Earth. I've studied it off and on ever since my experience with HELLP, and it really resonates with my spirituality and general life philosophy. It's simple and profound at the same time. It just speaks to me. When I'm knee-deep in reading the book or watching videos I feel peaceful and centered. I am able to be aware and present more often and more quickly. As evidenced by Friday's low point, I can sometimes allow myself to be sucked into a pit of negative thinking when multiple stressors stack up. I was reading A New Earth yesterday and this passage was especially meaningful:

"Resistance is an inner contraction... You are closed. Whatever action you take in a state of inner resistance (which we could also call negativity) will create more outer resistance, and the universe will not be on your side; life will not be helpful. If the shutters are closed, the sunlight cannot come in. When you yield internally, when you surrender, a new dimension of consciousness opens up. If action is possible or necessary, your action will be in alignment with the whole and supported by creative intelligence, the unconditioned consciousness which in a state of inner openness you become one with. Circumstances and people then become helpful, cooperative. Coincidences happen. If no action is possible, you rest in the peace and inner stillness that come with surrender. You rest in God."

I have lived this way, and know this to be true, which makes it especially frustrating when I am living with resistance, with negativity. (Mom, I hear your voice in my head right now... ) So...

Week 14
Mantra | Open Yourself to the Universe
Action | Work through Moments of Resistance & Negativity

Week 13 | Trust the Universe | Keep Calm and Carry On

Something new... a video:

Week 12| Let it Be | Just Be an Observer

Another late post. Bri is traveling for work again this week after just getting back Friday night. I had a tough time remembering what my mantra was this past week. I know it was really long. I'll have to work on another one that's easier to think of. {Oh, and please skip the last part of this post if you're easily grossed out. Sorry.}

.......
I often think about the "lessons" I've learned from having the birth experience that I did, be it the life-threatening part of the ordeal or the things-sooo-didn't-go-as-hoped-for portion. I feel a strong pressure to recognize deep changes in myself, a newly acquired wisdom or something. I often come up disappointed from the search. But there is always one issue that comes up....

Tonight I was reading "Mothering Magazine," a publication that leans heavily to the breastfeeding, homebirthing side of the mothering spectrum. It has taken two years for me to open that publication again, and I was thinking about how I've very recently made peace with the whole thing, finding an emotional place where I can appreciate the articles that are meaningful in my life (like about 2 year olds refusing to take baths), and letting go of those that are no longer relevant, and that I have allowed myself to feel anger about. I've been able to laugh at some of the more self-righteous parts of the magazine, acknowledging my own immaturity at having been so self-righteous in my pursuit of the homebirth I'd always imagined and hoped for.

I had subscribed to Mothering before I even got pregnant, always excited to devour every last article on my right to nurse in public, "wearing" my baby 24-7 and the horrors of drug-assisted birth. But after my own birth dreams periled with the onset of HELLP Syndrome, my attitude toward Mothering totally changed and I found myself resenting the women who wrote articles like "Ring of Fire - Labor's Power Transforms Self-Restraint into Uncensored Creative Expression." I mean... "F you!!" my newly traumatized and angry self would say. I stopped reading the magazine and felt somewhat perturbed when I saw a copy of it at Whole Foods or on a friend's bedside table.

As I noticed that resentment coming up so strongly in me, I finally connected that with the fact that it's my own shadow trying to reveal itself to me. I was angry at these women for speaking out passionately, and sometimes even aggressively, about issues that they cared deeply about. Admittedly, I have lived a great deal of my life standing really high up on a very large soap box. And there are a great many issues that I care quite deeply about. (I can just hear those of you who know me well laughing out loud right now.) While I have taken pride in trying to be as nonjudgmental as possible, I've still felt entitled to tell the world what I think and feel about something, whether they've asked or not. I have felt "like myself" when expressing my passionate views about humanitarian concerns, politics, breastfeeding, dark, hoppy ales, whatever... like it's something I have to do in order to exist.

So maybe one of the great lessons of my experience 2 years ago is that I think I have finally learned to let things be. To let people have their opinions and passions and experiences and to just let things be. With the emotionally-charged healthcare debates taking over media attention lately, I guess this issue has been on my mind a little more. And then I was reading Mothering tonight, specifically an article about letting your newborn baby do the "breast crawl" and find its way to your nipple on its own. It's really hard for me to read about newborn stuff like that without getting carried away imagining what it must have been like for Gavin to come into this world after 30 hours of trauma and magnesium sulfate and pitocin... with an unconscious mother lying on an operating table, belly sliced open and dumping blood onto the floor, my insides splayed on a table nearby, arms outstretched, a ventilator pump pressuring my chest up and down, eyes taped shut.... Then to be whisked hurriedly away, not even able to feel his mother's touch, let alone be able to nurse, for 4 hours. It's just awful and it makes me cry still if I let my mind go there. I guess I'm still processing that because I'm not sure why I did have to let my mind and my blog go there just now.

Anyway. I'm going to focus this week on my newly acquired and developing ability to let things be.

Week 12
Mantra | Let it Be
Action | Just be an observer

Week 11 | Go Placidly | Find 30 seconds a day to be silent and aware

I was sick all weekend, so I'm just now catching up with my post. Which also means I'll be hurriedly typing as opposed to drawing/writing.

Week 10 was a great excuse to watch all of the episodes of 30 Rock I've missed, among other funny shows. What did you do?

This week I keep thinking of the opening line from Max Ehrman's 1952 "Desiderata" - "Go placidly amid the noise and haste." I am going to go ahead and borrow it this week. Thanks, Max!

Week 11:
Mantra | Go placidly amid the noise and haste
Action | Find 30 seconds a day to be silent and aware

Here's the whole thing if you'd like to read it:


Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive [Her] to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Some things that have been making me laugh..

One of the greatest things my wonderful husband has taught me is that humor does not have to be at the expense of someone else. He's also probably the only really, really funny person I know who has the superhuman skill of being hilarious without ever, ever making fun of someone (other than a little self-deprecation from time to time).

Here is a great self-taken photo of him being funny, and this is one of many things that made me laugh out loud yesterday. (A little background, the book he's reading just came out and they asked readers to send in photos of themselves reading it.)


And, although it goes against Brian's philosophy entirely, I can't help myself. Awkward Family Photos is always good for a laugh. (Especially this one and this one and this one.) Here are a couple of my own awkward family photos for your enjoyment. (Pardon the graininess - these were made from old slides. And to my relatives, I apologize for posting without your permission, but am sure the laugh you'll have will make up for it.)

Week 10 | Seek Humor | Go on a Search for Something Funny Every Day

I am taking a break from typing.. it's just not my thing.
(If you get these posts via email, you probably have to visit the actual blog to read my post since it's an image...)

You can double click on the image below to open it in a larger version in another tab.



Report what you find in the comment section!!! :)