The Silver Lining

Here are some notes from my silver lining journal this week...

• We have a village. With Brian gone for the past 2 weeks, our amazing support system kicked in and we had so many offers for dinner and playdates and sitting, way more offers than we could accept! Thanks, village!! Thanks especially to the Green Bean, Bama, the Carrolls, the Hilt-Diehls, and the Blounts!
  
• Unexpected time to slow down is a gift. I had a client who forgot her session on Wed., allowing me an hour to check email and eat dinner between sessions! I usually have 7 straight clients from 2:30 on, and it's nice to have an unexpected break to put my feet up and enjoy my office space and some food.
  
• Grandparents are grand. Gavin got to see Bama (my mom) who came up on the bus and stayed for 2 nights. They have such a special relationship and don't get to spend enough time with each other. It's kinda nice when not-so-easy circumstances force an unexpected visit.
• Asking for help is life-affirming. Yes, I tend to take on way too much, and to do it alone. I have developed a really strong sense of having to do things myself if I want anything to get done. But times like the past two weeks push me to reach out for help when I normally wouldn't. It reminds me that asking for help invites positive energy into your life, and opens you up to all kinds of wonderful experiences and connections. Asking for help reminds you of the spirit of life and the oneness we share with all people and things!
  
• Bonding time with my son. Gavin and I felt really close to each other and bonded in a new way like a little team of 2. It was really something. I love that small fry.
  
• I am in love with my husband. Having a renewed feeling of "love at first sight" when Bri finally got home 14 days after he left. I opened the door and we both smiled from ear-to-ear like the lovestruck dreamers we were when we met. (Btw, how do refugees, immigrants, international volunteers, military people, etc. handle long distance marriage?)
• Wood is worth the wait. Brian found the engagement ring in London that I've been dreaming of for nearly 6 years! It's a simple wooden band ring. We looked all over and people thought we were nuts when we'd ask at street fairs and in jewelry shops! Then we finally found some but they were ridiculously expensive. Well, at the Camden Markets he discovered wooden bands and got me the most beautiful one that even fits my ring finger perfectly! I love it! I feel so grounded when I have wood against my skin.
• Making Peace with Sadness. I watched an episode of Parenthood online and there was a birth scene. You know the one. Where the fully-gowned mother is lying on her back with a strained and sweaty face and out pops a clean baby who immediately cries and then gets handed to the mother, who bonds instantaneously, adoring her baby who is surely about to nurse perfectly and will soon be whisked home for happily ever after. Well, after I had the birth experience that I had, I used to cry every time I saw any kind of birth moment, as ridiculously unrealistic as it might be, the very second that the baby is handed to the mother. It was more pain than I could take thinking about how Gavin did not have anything like that, but rather a quite traumatic and motherless experience. After a while, I think I started numbing my emotions about it, pretending I was getting over it, and that time was in fact healing some of that pain. I don't know how long it's been since I've watched a birth scene, or what my reaction was most recently, but it's been a really long time since I've felt the raw emotions of that pain in not giving my son that kind of start to his life. When I saw this show, with its 20 second birth scene, I cried so hard. It was good. It was sad. It was real. It's been a while since I let myself have those really deeply sad feelings about Gavin's first hours. And as I cried, I was able to make peace with the wisdom that sadness just is. And it can just be. And I don't have to change it or ignore it. And some things will be sad forever, and that's okay.