My sense of struggling to heal from having HELLP Syndrome must be obvious in the string of posts you've read so far.
I'm all over the place! One part of me is positive and present and loving and open and ready to move on. The other part of me is still traumatized. Stuck in the details of what happened to me. Stuck in the horror and the survivor guilt of an unavoidable, untreatable illness that kills babies and women (76,000 maternal and 500,000 infant deaths each year globally).
I'm sure it's a huge part of why this blog is disjointed. And why there is such effort in the words I type. It's why some people don't recognize this voice that I'm speaking with.
Sometimes I think about how I would be if I wouldn't have gotten sick. If I would have had Gavin at home as I had always dreamed. If I wouldn't have gotten so close to that line between life and death. Would I care more? Would I care less? Would I be on this same journey?
I still feel angry about my experience. I feel angry about what it means in my life moving forward. I feel angry that I can't just whimsically say to Brian, "Let's have another baby!" without a deep and tenuous discussion of risks. I don't want to feel angry. Sometimes I forget that the anger is there and it jumps out and grabs me. Sometimes I try to feel it more so I can have awareness of it and let it go. And then I feel angry that I haven't done that yet. Anger in itself isn't bad. It's when you're not aware that it's there, and you embody it or act on it that it's particularly destructive. I want to work on my anger this week. On being aware of it, so that I can start to really let it go. I like how Thich Nhat Hanh describes anger as a knot here. I like that visual. I am going to try to get to know some of my knots this week. Transforming them will come later.
Thanks for being out there in the universe. I need to know that you are there and it helps.
Week 9
Mantra: Notice Your Knots
Action: Smile at Your Anger
Week 8 (Belated soap box post)
I'm sorry I didn't post last week. Sunday night came and went and I told myself I'd post later in the week, but I just couldn't make the time. :(
So that's $10 more in the pot for the Preeclampsia Foundation.
Speaking of which, if I could step up on my soap box for just a moment, I'd appreciate it. This is a women's issue that I care deeply about, and the lack of awareness about preeclampsia is frightening. I'll start by qualifying that most pregnancies and births are healthy and completely natural occurrences in women's lives, as opposed to the medical condition that western medicine assumes. (Yes, I still believe in home births as an empowering, beautiful, nurturing, and safe way to bring a baby into this world!) However, I am still alarmed at the public's lack of knowledge about preeclampsia and the unbelievable void of expertise and communication within the OB/midwifery community about something that happens to 8% of pregnant women.
I was talking this past week with a friend who is 20 weeks pregnant. She happens to have some health issues that seem (anecdotally) to be related to developing preeclampsia and/or HELLP Syndrome (some gene mutations, a blood-clotting disorder). She was asking me all kinds of questions, doing the pregnant woman's mental dance of trying not to be overly alarmed about weird symptoms she's having, and doing what most of us do when we're pregnant and start to have "issues," hoping so badly that everything is "normal" that you dismiss or downplay real concerns. This woman has multiple early symptoms of preeclampsia already (headaches, seeing spots, tingly extremities, slightly elevated blood pressure, weight gain that is unaccounted for by diet), and her doctor doesn't seem at all concerned. As most of us preeclampsia survivors learned the hard way, we, as women, need to take our health into our own hands. Often, doctors don't see the whole picture in the 15 minutes they're with you every few weeks. If you've cautiously mentioned symptoms one at a time from session to session, they might not be putting it all together. (Not to mention the stories I've heard of medical professionals completely dismissing a serious array of symptoms.) Anyway, if you or anyone you know are pregnant and just feeling sort of "off" or unsure about some weird symptoms, I recommend reading through stories posted by preeclampsia survivors on the foundation's site. I also recommend contacting a survivor or joining a support group online to ask questions. Time after time after time I've seen women's collective knowledge, experience and intuition beat out medical care in cases of developing preeclampsia. Bookmark this post for future reference because odds are you will someday know someone who's in the position of wondering as she enters the stressful unknowing time that precedes a preeclampsia diagnosis.
For your reference, there are some symptoms commonly associated with preeclampsia, which I'll list in a second. But before I do that, let me tell you that you that sometimes symptoms are very mild or there are only a couple symptoms present. It's different for everyone.
So that's $10 more in the pot for the Preeclampsia Foundation.
Speaking of which, if I could step up on my soap box for just a moment, I'd appreciate it. This is a women's issue that I care deeply about, and the lack of awareness about preeclampsia is frightening. I'll start by qualifying that most pregnancies and births are healthy and completely natural occurrences in women's lives, as opposed to the medical condition that western medicine assumes. (Yes, I still believe in home births as an empowering, beautiful, nurturing, and safe way to bring a baby into this world!) However, I am still alarmed at the public's lack of knowledge about preeclampsia and the unbelievable void of expertise and communication within the OB/midwifery community about something that happens to 8% of pregnant women.
I was talking this past week with a friend who is 20 weeks pregnant. She happens to have some health issues that seem (anecdotally) to be related to developing preeclampsia and/or HELLP Syndrome (some gene mutations, a blood-clotting disorder). She was asking me all kinds of questions, doing the pregnant woman's mental dance of trying not to be overly alarmed about weird symptoms she's having, and doing what most of us do when we're pregnant and start to have "issues," hoping so badly that everything is "normal" that you dismiss or downplay real concerns. This woman has multiple early symptoms of preeclampsia already (headaches, seeing spots, tingly extremities, slightly elevated blood pressure, weight gain that is unaccounted for by diet), and her doctor doesn't seem at all concerned. As most of us preeclampsia survivors learned the hard way, we, as women, need to take our health into our own hands. Often, doctors don't see the whole picture in the 15 minutes they're with you every few weeks. If you've cautiously mentioned symptoms one at a time from session to session, they might not be putting it all together. (Not to mention the stories I've heard of medical professionals completely dismissing a serious array of symptoms.) Anyway, if you or anyone you know are pregnant and just feeling sort of "off" or unsure about some weird symptoms, I recommend reading through stories posted by preeclampsia survivors on the foundation's site. I also recommend contacting a survivor or joining a support group online to ask questions. Time after time after time I've seen women's collective knowledge, experience and intuition beat out medical care in cases of developing preeclampsia. Bookmark this post for future reference because odds are you will someday know someone who's in the position of wondering as she enters the stressful unknowing time that precedes a preeclampsia diagnosis.
For your reference, there are some symptoms commonly associated with preeclampsia, which I'll list in a second. But before I do that, let me tell you that you that sometimes symptoms are very mild or there are only a couple symptoms present. It's different for everyone.
- Elevated blood pressure (130/80 is the high side of normal, unless you are someone with low blood pressure to start with)
- Swelling / edema / water weight
- Headaches
- Seeing spots / changes in vision
- Pain or pressure in the upper abdomen
- Protein in the urine
- Sudden or unaccounted for weight gain
- Feeling icky throughout the pregnancy (ie - bouts of diarrhea, no "feel good" second trimester, etc.)
- Nausea later in the pregnancy
- Tingly extremities
Week 7 | Start with Love | Feel Your Heart
Okay, okay. I know that last week's mantra/action was a little nebulous. Did any of you try it? How did it work out for you? I loved it so much, probably because it was so nebulous :), that I am going to continue the mantra into this week. Nevermind that it's Valentine's Day.
For me, this mantra worked like a mental pause. Whenever I felt stressed or angry or impatient, which are some pretty common feelings for me, I used this mantra to trigger mindfulness.
I really thought that I would remember the times this week when my "start with love" mantra worked especially well, but I'm having a hard time thinking of them right now. Let's see. I definitely used it every morning when Gavin's voice woke me up. (I never set an alarm. Morning sleep is too precious, and I sleep til the very second when he wakes up.) Of course, it was easier on the days when I woke up to "Come and get me out of the crib, Mommy!" than the days when I awoke to all-out wailing. "Start with love" sure helped me turn too-early morning grumpiness into the love and joy that I want to start every day with! I used the mantra in lots of other situations too, including some frustrating traffic and snow related situations. I even used it as a grounding mantra before starting sessions with clients.
This week, I am going to add the action of "feeling your heart."
Sometime after emerging from my postpartum depression, about a year and a half ago, I noticed that I can't feel my heart like I used to. I mean, I used to really feel a strong and powerful physical sensation in the area where my heart is, my heart space. I felt it when I had strong positive emotions. I felt it all the time, really. I lived my life based on the feelings in my heart. But now, for as long as I can remember in my new reality, I don't feel much of anything there. That's not to say that I don't feel love. That's a different sensation. But there's just a depth of feeling missing in my life that I used to have. It's interesting to think about how I have had weird heart pains in the past several months. The pains have been sharp and worrisome, but my doctor says it's the PTSD lingering and causing anxiety. Maybe it's my heart screaming to me to get back in touch and to feel it again. I'm listening.
Sometimes I do a heart space meditation, where I sit quietly with my hand over my heart, breathe deeply, and try to imagine the space where my heart is. I used to be able to go to a whimsical, vibrant world within myself, but for a long time it's been kind of dark and empty there. Ugh. This sounds so depressing, and I'm terrible at writing about my feelings. It's not like I feel unloved or like I don't love. I am madly in love with my husband and my son. I love all kinds of people and colors and moods and songs and images and ideas. Maybe I need to start drawing and painting my blog posts. Actually, that's not a bad idea.
Ok. One more thing. I am hoping to do a guided meditation every night before bed that focuses on my heart space. Have I told you yet about Meditation Oasis? It's a free meditation podcast you can find on Itunes. I love it! There are several heart-themed meditations there. This means I'll have to get upstairs to the bedroom a little earlier than usual... this is going to be tough.
Week 7
Mantra: Start with Love
Action: Feel Your Heart
For me, this mantra worked like a mental pause. Whenever I felt stressed or angry or impatient, which are some pretty common feelings for me, I used this mantra to trigger mindfulness.
I really thought that I would remember the times this week when my "start with love" mantra worked especially well, but I'm having a hard time thinking of them right now. Let's see. I definitely used it every morning when Gavin's voice woke me up. (I never set an alarm. Morning sleep is too precious, and I sleep til the very second when he wakes up.) Of course, it was easier on the days when I woke up to "Come and get me out of the crib, Mommy!" than the days when I awoke to all-out wailing. "Start with love" sure helped me turn too-early morning grumpiness into the love and joy that I want to start every day with! I used the mantra in lots of other situations too, including some frustrating traffic and snow related situations. I even used it as a grounding mantra before starting sessions with clients.
This week, I am going to add the action of "feeling your heart."
Sometime after emerging from my postpartum depression, about a year and a half ago, I noticed that I can't feel my heart like I used to. I mean, I used to really feel a strong and powerful physical sensation in the area where my heart is, my heart space. I felt it when I had strong positive emotions. I felt it all the time, really. I lived my life based on the feelings in my heart. But now, for as long as I can remember in my new reality, I don't feel much of anything there. That's not to say that I don't feel love. That's a different sensation. But there's just a depth of feeling missing in my life that I used to have. It's interesting to think about how I have had weird heart pains in the past several months. The pains have been sharp and worrisome, but my doctor says it's the PTSD lingering and causing anxiety. Maybe it's my heart screaming to me to get back in touch and to feel it again. I'm listening.
Sometimes I do a heart space meditation, where I sit quietly with my hand over my heart, breathe deeply, and try to imagine the space where my heart is. I used to be able to go to a whimsical, vibrant world within myself, but for a long time it's been kind of dark and empty there. Ugh. This sounds so depressing, and I'm terrible at writing about my feelings. It's not like I feel unloved or like I don't love. I am madly in love with my husband and my son. I love all kinds of people and colors and moods and songs and images and ideas. Maybe I need to start drawing and painting my blog posts. Actually, that's not a bad idea.
Ok. One more thing. I am hoping to do a guided meditation every night before bed that focuses on my heart space. Have I told you yet about Meditation Oasis? It's a free meditation podcast you can find on Itunes. I love it! There are several heart-themed meditations there. This means I'll have to get upstairs to the bedroom a little earlier than usual... this is going to be tough.
Week 7
Mantra: Start with Love
Action: Feel Your Heart
Week 6 | Start with Love
I had a really busy weekend and am running a little late with this post. {By the way, I presented an art-based workshop at the Illinois Art Therapy Association's annual conference on working with intention. Our careers are a great place to apply intention!}
Last week's intention and action seemed simple, kind of like a cheat week, but it was really hard! I'm so accustomed to turning on NPR when I'm in the car, and had to really be intentional when I got behind the wheel to put a CD in. I was really good about putting on Itunes or pandora or something every chance I got at home. My biggest challenge was that I cannot think straight when music is on and I'm trying to do work, so my life was not as music-filled as I was hoping because it was a really busy work week. Also, my husband reminded me about being able to use lastfm through our tv. (Maybe through the Xbox? I don't even know.) It was great and you can create channels like you can on pandora. I think I'm really going to pursue last week's action throughout the year! We'll see if I can remember...
As for this week..
By this morning, I hadn't yet come up with my intention for the week. Then my two-year-old, noticing the heart on my t-shirt, said, "Mommy start with love." He's a genius. ;) There it is. This week's intention, and action all-in-one! Hopefully I'll have great stories when I post next week since this one is more ethereal...
Week 6
Mantra: Start with Love
Action: Start with Love
Last week's intention and action seemed simple, kind of like a cheat week, but it was really hard! I'm so accustomed to turning on NPR when I'm in the car, and had to really be intentional when I got behind the wheel to put a CD in. I was really good about putting on Itunes or pandora or something every chance I got at home. My biggest challenge was that I cannot think straight when music is on and I'm trying to do work, so my life was not as music-filled as I was hoping because it was a really busy work week. Also, my husband reminded me about being able to use lastfm through our tv. (Maybe through the Xbox? I don't even know.) It was great and you can create channels like you can on pandora. I think I'm really going to pursue last week's action throughout the year! We'll see if I can remember...
As for this week..
By this morning, I hadn't yet come up with my intention for the week. Then my two-year-old, noticing the heart on my t-shirt, said, "Mommy start with love." He's a genius. ;) There it is. This week's intention, and action all-in-one! Hopefully I'll have great stories when I post next week since this one is more ethereal...
Week 6
Mantra: Start with Love
Action: Start with Love
Free Music!
Just in time for this week's intention... This link has some great free downloads on Utne Reader.
If you don't know what Utne Reader is, you should check it out!! It's fantastic!
xo
If you don't know what Utne Reader is, you should check it out!! It's fantastic!
xo
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