I almost died a couple years ago.
It has taken me a long time to say that outright. I'm finally feeling ready to heal from that traumatic experience, and this project is how I'm going to begin. Please join me on my journey to live each day with positive intention! And pass on this invitation to read this blog, and to join me in taking on a new positive intention every week for the year of 2010.
I was supposed to start this project on December 8, the 2 year anniversary of my near-death experience, and a time of year that is still emotionally taxing for me. But on December 5, just as we were midway through our easygoing Saturday family-still-in-bed kind of morning, we got a phone call from Brian's mom that changed everything. Brian's dad died in the night. Completely unexpected. We rushed onto a plane headed for Oklahoma City, and began this surreal and continuous trek through grief. We have been devastated and sad ever since, slightly out of touch with this thing called "reality," and still fighting through the shock of our loss.
So, this has become more of a new year project. At first, I thought to myself, "I can't do this project now. I can't be so selfish in a time like this to focus on my own life, and my own healing." But then I realized that Dick's death is really just another reason to take this project on. And not in the way of that over-used cliche, "He would have wanted it this way." But in that way where someone you care deeply about dies... and you remember what life is all about. Love. Living in the present. Gratitude for all that is good. These are all things you visit with from time-to-time, but things that are hard to be conscious about most of the time in our "crazy-busy" lives.
I want to really live life. I want to feel and share the love that is all around me. I want to be in the present moment. I want to notice and appreciate the gratitude that fills my heart when I actually stop and notice everything that is good around and within me. These things are what I call living with positive intention. And I am hoping to live with positive intention this year in a new, more conscious, more focused way. My hope is to have an idea every week that will guide me toward being able to really live my life with positive intention. I also hope that you will be a part of this quest, and that you will share your ideas and your experiences trying to do the same thing, either using my ideas or your own.
Here's a little background about how this idea came about.
Two years ago I was pregnant with my son and developed HELLP syndrome , a rare and severe variant of preeclampsia. My midwife caught the elusive symptoms just in time, but the crash C-section that saved my and my son's lives led to the life-threatening loss of more than half of my blood. Long story short, we made it. I know we are the lucky ones, and I am trying my best to avoid the waves of survivor guilt that sometimes crash through me. It is overwhelming to hear tragic stories of women dying days after giving birth, or babies born at 21 weeks gestation who live for several short days and then die. The losses are so deep and unimaginable. But then there are the survivor stories, and inspiration reigns.
One story of loss in particular has stuck with me. And, more importantly, I was very inspired by something that grew out of that loss.
In 2005, Shelly was pregnant for the first time. She developed HELLP Syndrome and died a week after her emergency delivery. Her daughter, Hailey, survived, and is doing well. Shelly's parents have become champions in the field of Preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome awareness. Here is Shelly's story.
One of the many positive things that grew out of this tragedy was a wonderful idea that Shelly's friends came up with, a blog in which they pledge a new goal every week, in an effort to capture Shelly's fun-loving and positive spirit. With their permission, I am building on that idea for my own blog/project.
I will probably post a message once a week that includes one positive intention and one related action. I invite you to have an interactive role in this project by posting comments on the blog or emailing me directly with your ideas, feedback and/or progress.
Here's another idea that I'm borrowing from the blog mentioned above - to keep me motivated, and also to raise money for a cause near and dear to my heart, I will donate $10 to the Preeclampsia Foundation every week that I don't follow through on my intentions. I hope you'll do the same.
Here's to positivity!
2 comments:
Fabulous blog, and thank you for doing it. As a fellow pre-e mom, I heart the idea!
thanks for creating this blog. I am sorry for what you have been through but glad you are fine now.
I nearly died of HELLP syndrome (though baby girl was born fine) last March and getting past her one year birthday was a big deal for us. (I suffered a major brain injury at her birth, enduring a several week long coma and am still in rehab for the cognitive deficits almost a full year later.) And yet, I know my daughter and I are two of the lucky ones for surviving. More doctors need to be educated on this. I am convinced that had I not injected lovenox, a blood thinner (something I chose to do at the advice of a reproductive immunologist I consulted) baby girl would not have survived. Two days after going off of the lovenox (one week before the scheduled c-section) I came down with the worst class of HELLP. I had lost three pregnancies earlier, always between 8 & 9 weeks when the placenta was supposed to take over. None of the docs pointed to the real underlying issue (antiphospholipid syndrome, a precursor to HELLP.) That was for me to figure out and treat and that I had to do so and that I lost those first thee pregnancies is something I'm not sure I'll ever get over.
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